The Closet Door Opened
I have been reading the blog of a dear family friend the past few week. Hearing the emotion of her experiences has brought back several memories.
The first:
When I was just a young man, many, many moons ago, I re-located with my family to a distant land. It was not what I wanted, nor was it the fun many talked it up to be. However, there was not much I could do to change the fact that I was where I was and it was time to deal with it. I had a very rough time making new friends. I found myself hanging on to the past and wanting to return things to the way they were.
Then I realized that it was not going to happen. I was not going to be able to return things to the way they were and I would have to deal with them. I disliked the environment I was placed in, so I found things to distract me, I got a job. I worked hard at the job. It took me away from where I did not want to be and though I did not have close relationships with all the people I worked with, at least we had something in common.
One day, a fellow co-worker asked me why I was not happy. I thought I was. It wasn't until I took a deeper look at myself that I realized what I was doing was not the answer. I could not run away from the problem. I had to deal with it. I resolved to do so from that day forward. It was not easy all the time, but I managed. I made the changes, in the environment that I was in, that would make me happy.
The Second:
After making the changes, it was not long before I found myself creating a new environment for myself. In fact, because of the changes, an opportunity to change my environment came along. I was excited. I was happy. I so wanted to be in this new environment. Unfortunately, making this move required that I sacrifice many things. It was hard. I remember spending many days and nights walking on the edge of emotion. The slightest thing would set me off. I would smell a smell, hear a phrase, see an image, and I would spiral into a whirlpool of emotion. At times I would become physically ill. It was funny how even after making the changes that would make me happy, were things that also made me sad.
Again, I had to come to a realization, that there were certain things that I could do to make it a better place and then there were things that were just going to be. I would have deal with them and make due. It was not always easy, but I did it.
There are several more. I am reminded of a day that I thought I was losing a very dear friend. It hurt like nothing else. There had been a misunderstanding, feelings were hurt, and emotions were high.
The reason I share them is because of what I learned. In all of these situations, on thing was common. I had to make a change. I soon realized that I could not fix or change everything. I had to do my best and hope the rest would work out. However, when I lacked, I found myself on my knees. One particular time, I found myself in a place where I did not feel I could be alone. Then I saw this sign hanging on the janitorial closet. When I flipped it over, the words "Prayer Closet" were penciled. I soon found myself hanging the sign and closing the door behind me. I knelt on the edge of a mop drain and poured out my soul. It felt good. I was in a place where I was alone and even felt the comforts of the spirit. But eventually, I had to stand up and open the closet door. I had to walk back out into the world and do my part.
As I reflect on all of these and many more, I am reminded that when the choice is made, I have had to stand up and open the door. I have had to do something about what I wanted to change. It was not always comfortable or easy, but I had to do it. Sometimes, I wanted to go back to the closet. Then I realized I could. For a brief moment, close the door and rebuild my strength before opening it again. I find myself there often now. It gives me power to keep opening the door and walking back out.
Do you have a closet? Do you go there often? Should you go there more?
The first:
When I was just a young man, many, many moons ago, I re-located with my family to a distant land. It was not what I wanted, nor was it the fun many talked it up to be. However, there was not much I could do to change the fact that I was where I was and it was time to deal with it. I had a very rough time making new friends. I found myself hanging on to the past and wanting to return things to the way they were.
Then I realized that it was not going to happen. I was not going to be able to return things to the way they were and I would have to deal with them. I disliked the environment I was placed in, so I found things to distract me, I got a job. I worked hard at the job. It took me away from where I did not want to be and though I did not have close relationships with all the people I worked with, at least we had something in common.
One day, a fellow co-worker asked me why I was not happy. I thought I was. It wasn't until I took a deeper look at myself that I realized what I was doing was not the answer. I could not run away from the problem. I had to deal with it. I resolved to do so from that day forward. It was not easy all the time, but I managed. I made the changes, in the environment that I was in, that would make me happy.
The Second:
After making the changes, it was not long before I found myself creating a new environment for myself. In fact, because of the changes, an opportunity to change my environment came along. I was excited. I was happy. I so wanted to be in this new environment. Unfortunately, making this move required that I sacrifice many things. It was hard. I remember spending many days and nights walking on the edge of emotion. The slightest thing would set me off. I would smell a smell, hear a phrase, see an image, and I would spiral into a whirlpool of emotion. At times I would become physically ill. It was funny how even after making the changes that would make me happy, were things that also made me sad.
Again, I had to come to a realization, that there were certain things that I could do to make it a better place and then there were things that were just going to be. I would have deal with them and make due. It was not always easy, but I did it.
There are several more. I am reminded of a day that I thought I was losing a very dear friend. It hurt like nothing else. There had been a misunderstanding, feelings were hurt, and emotions were high.
The reason I share them is because of what I learned. In all of these situations, on thing was common. I had to make a change. I soon realized that I could not fix or change everything. I had to do my best and hope the rest would work out. However, when I lacked, I found myself on my knees. One particular time, I found myself in a place where I did not feel I could be alone. Then I saw this sign hanging on the janitorial closet. When I flipped it over, the words "Prayer Closet" were penciled. I soon found myself hanging the sign and closing the door behind me. I knelt on the edge of a mop drain and poured out my soul. It felt good. I was in a place where I was alone and even felt the comforts of the spirit. But eventually, I had to stand up and open the closet door. I had to walk back out into the world and do my part.
As I reflect on all of these and many more, I am reminded that when the choice is made, I have had to stand up and open the door. I have had to do something about what I wanted to change. It was not always comfortable or easy, but I had to do it. Sometimes, I wanted to go back to the closet. Then I realized I could. For a brief moment, close the door and rebuild my strength before opening it again. I find myself there often now. It gives me power to keep opening the door and walking back out.
Do you have a closet? Do you go there often? Should you go there more?
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