Memory Banks
I am sitting here this evening trying to keep my mind occupied. Horn Man and Tenor Man are filling our house with music that they are playing in bad. Tall Man is filling the house with giggles from friends as he tries to figure out how to answer a request to Sweet Hearts. The Queen is making a shopping list and I have sequestered myself to my room.
I sit here suppressing emotion. I don't know why. Maybe the idea of verbalizing my thoughts will help settle what I am suppressing. Is it fear? Is it denial? I don't know. Suddenly, I find myself going down memory lane. I wonder if it is the fear of repeating those memories or is it fear of losing other memories. I am torn.
Some 24 years ago I walked into a room that took my breath away. I fought back emotion then. I think I did well. I held it together and then found myself looking out at a childhood playground through tear filled eyes. The playground refreshed the memories that I did not want to lose. I wanted to forget the image that had just filled my mind and replace it with memories of younger years.
It has been over 14 years since the maker of those memory passed to a better life. It has been 14 years that I have fought to save the memories of another as I was the life that made them slip away. For the past several years I have been in denial. I have avoided having my breath taken away. My logic tells me that it is part of life, but my heart does not want to endure it. I want to savor the memories of younger years.
Today, I was notified that the maker of those memories starting to pass. I have done pretty good until now. I have done all that I can to avoid it. Now the distractions are running out. The tears are starting to flow. I don't want to taint the memories. Yet I know it is time and wonder if maybe I have run out of time.
I sit here savoring the memories. Memories that are heart wrenching to record, but wonderful to relive. I love you. I have missed you both for a very long time. Thank you for all that you have given me. Til we meet again.
I sit here suppressing emotion. I don't know why. Maybe the idea of verbalizing my thoughts will help settle what I am suppressing. Is it fear? Is it denial? I don't know. Suddenly, I find myself going down memory lane. I wonder if it is the fear of repeating those memories or is it fear of losing other memories. I am torn.
Some 24 years ago I walked into a room that took my breath away. I fought back emotion then. I think I did well. I held it together and then found myself looking out at a childhood playground through tear filled eyes. The playground refreshed the memories that I did not want to lose. I wanted to forget the image that had just filled my mind and replace it with memories of younger years.
It has been over 14 years since the maker of those memory passed to a better life. It has been 14 years that I have fought to save the memories of another as I was the life that made them slip away. For the past several years I have been in denial. I have avoided having my breath taken away. My logic tells me that it is part of life, but my heart does not want to endure it. I want to savor the memories of younger years.
Today, I was notified that the maker of those memories starting to pass. I have done pretty good until now. I have done all that I can to avoid it. Now the distractions are running out. The tears are starting to flow. I don't want to taint the memories. Yet I know it is time and wonder if maybe I have run out of time.
I sit here savoring the memories. Memories that are heart wrenching to record, but wonderful to relive. I love you. I have missed you both for a very long time. Thank you for all that you have given me. Til we meet again.
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